Two years and counting

This story is about what I and others did wrong. on the night, my life changed forever.

It has been twelve years since I had a stroke. As I sit here and reflect back, I will never forget the night of the stroke. I clearly remember being in the hospital emergency room and waiting for hours. Every time, the triage nurse would come into the waiting room and call out a name. For hours I watched as people with colds, sore throats, and various other minor ailments were called in to be seen by the doctors. My blood pressure was over 200, but I sat for  4 hours silently waiting for a doctor to examine me. My second mistake. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need.

In my gut, I knew that something was very wrong. My vision was messed up. Part of my vision was missing. The pain in my head felt like my skull was going to crack.  Looking back, I now know that I should have trusted my gut. I wish I had kept communicating with the staff and been more insistent about being seen. That day my life changed forever. As a result, I am now permanently blind in areas of my field of vision. I had no awareness of my left side, and my left side switched from being hyper-sensitive to almost no feeling. My left side is partially paralyzed.  My left leg has drop foot and over-pronation. In other words, I am screwed up!

This story is about what I and others did wrong. on the night, my life changed forever.

I had called my doctor, who told me to go straight to the ER.  I went right away. But unfortunately, I asked my husband to drive me there. I thought that it was not very far from my home. We could get to the hospital quickly. Because I had worked in the ER as a Chaplin and a patient rep. I should have known that it can be a long wait if you don't arrive by ambulance. I did not expect special treatment, but I was hoping I would be seen immediately. I worked at this hospital as a Chaplin and patient rep, but apparently, I got no special treatment. So we waited, my head pounding and my husband complaining to me that he was tired. He knew he had to go to work the next day at 6 AM. It was now one in the morning.  Because of my position at the hospital, I sat quietly and didn't make any waves.  Although I was learning why the many people I saw as a Chaplin were miserable.  Not only were those patients sick and worried. But they must have felt overlooked by the hospital staff. I know that was how I was feeling that night. Silent, scared, confused, and unaware that my brain was slowly dying. 

.And going through rehabilitation. But what I remember the most was my determination to get better. I spent 60 days away from home between my hospital stay and time at the rehabilitation center. I wondered if I might never see my home again. But mother's day weekend, I was released For the day. As  I returned home and walked into my house, I noticed that my Christmas tree was still up in the living room. What a wonderful greeting it gave me. I could not have asked for a more joyous homecoming. My husband was there, and my Little dog and my Christmas tree somehow reminded me that the spirit of God was with me.

The following days were hard. Becoming adjusted to my new routine. I needed to transition from having everything done for me at the hospital to function on my own. My husband would have to work every day to pay the bills. We had our concerns, would I be able to dress? Would I be able to shower myself? Would I be able to feed myself? What would I  do alone all day? It was the beginning of my new adventure. And I had no idea how it would work out. In those early days, having just finished working with the physical therapists, I was full of confidence. But then the crash happened. I was attempting to, or should I say, show off by trying to go up the back steps without a Railing when I lost my footing and fell. I landed face down on the patio and ended up with a broken nose. With that fractured nose, my confidence shattered.

I was hesitant to even attempt to do anything on my own. Yet somehow, three months later, I began working on my doctorate in Pastoral counseling. I remember clearly the first day in class. I asked that I be provided with a wheelchair. I was still terrified of being alone in a strange place. I was afraid that I would fall and get hurt and worried that  I did not have the strength to walk on my two legs all day. I wanted the safety and the security of being in a wheelchair. I knew I could not fall sitting in my wheelchair. So that first day in class, I used one of the hospital's wheelchairs. That was a long time ago. It is now a little over two years later. I Continue to go to that same building several times a week. But after that first day never sat in a wheelchair again. I made a choice to walk, and I have been walking ever since.
     Now each day, I walk around my house, in the store, and I receive my clients at the Pastoral care offices and Lead them back from the waiting room to the counseling office.
 I can remember a song Whose words go something like this," The road is long with many a winding turn that Leads  me to who knows where?" That's how I felt. I was on this long road winding around and around, and I was not sure where I would end up. I just knew I had to keep traveling because I was not where I felt I should be. I did not know where I was going or how to get there; I just knew I needed to go forward. My damaged brain and my body needed to begin the process of healing. And with God's help, my incredible journey begins. I'd like to hear about your fantastic journey post Your comments on this page. How have you been guided on your fantastic journey? What has your journey been like?

Jealousy and envy

I know it has been a long time since my last post. I have had neither the time nor the mental energy to write one. But as I was reading an email from a pastor That  I know I could feel jealousy and envy bubbling up inside me. You see I realized this morning,What it isAbout to me That is Different.   inside my head there is Part of me  different From what it was before I had the stroke.  I find I Experience  my brain as it functions today but, I also have my memories of my brain and how it used to function Before the stroke . Some days it's hard to accept what is, and let go of what what was . And then there is my heart that feels envy And  painful jealousy when I see or hear of others doing the things that I had at one time planned to do. For example A woman who I once knew is now preaching on a regular basis at area churches. There was a day and when I planned to preach to others on Sunday mornings and my jealous heart rages with anger when I hear of my friend preaching as I sit wondering if I'll ever be able to preach successfully again. You see inside my head are memories of how to preach but also is the reality of where I am now. Do I take the chance do I risk writing a sermon and preaching? Or,Will I  act like a turtle and stick my neck out in in order to move forward? Or do I just let the anger, the jealousy and the envy that I feel burnaway my heart? It seems to me either way is a risk But yet that's what life is all about taking risks from time to time . so today I will gather up my strength, my courage and I will begin to write. I will  start out small possibly just preaching to a local nursing home or small group and as I learn and grow and teach my new brain how to do the things I want to do, life will improve. I won't let envy and jealousy burn in my heart Destroying my new life. When I had my stroke God spoke to me in a verse. The verse came from the book of john chapter 10 verse 10 I paraphrase here,
Jesus said I have come so that you may have life and life in abundance. Jesus is offering us/me a choice. Do I/we just give up or do I/we seek out the abundant life that we are promised? We must all make a choice for me it is which side of my brain will I used today the jealous envious side that remembers how life was or the learning healing part of my brain that chooses to seek out my promised abundant life.

E-mail from a friend

Someone sent me this email today and I thought I would pass it on .  I have never met Susan Bernard I have never spoken with 

s and Family,

I stumbled on these lessons from my grad. school research in occupational therapy.  Susan Bernard is a stroke survivor from New Jersey who compiled this list of "20 things my stroke taught me".  I found many of her thoughts pertinent and helpful.

1. I know now that if I'm alive enough to complain, I have nothing to complain about.

2. Whenever I ask, "How long is recovery going to take?" I just say, "Shut up, Susan!"  I'm recovering, why be impatient?  There was a time when I didn't know if I'd ever get better.

3. When I find myself praying for the characters in the soap operas, I know I've been isolating too much.  It's time to get out into the real world more.

4. Complaining or worrying about things like traffic, hold times on the phone or bad weather are luxuries compared to being obsessed with mobility.

5.  It is a privilege to purchase a new walking cane when it means not spending my life in a wheelchair.

6. When I'm aggravated about my son Kyle's (age 6) noise, messiness or intrusion on my time, I could be rejoicing that we are together.  While in rehab, I would have given anything just to wipe his poop or vomit or pick up his toys.

7. I am perfectly imperfect just as I am.  I was kept alive for a good reason, and wasting my time on over-concern for my condition is self-centered.

8. Prayers move mountains.  I'm shoveling as much dirt as possible, but God is moving the mountain.  I am not getting better alone.

9. Healing takes time. For two-and-a-half years after my stroke, my left arm and hand had no function, then I re-learned how to tie my shoe with both hands!  Now I'm president fo the walking club at church.

10. Facing my  mortality has completely changed the way I look at life: Every birthday is a gift.  Having almost perished, advancing years don't look so bad.

11. Showering independently is a celebration, not an ordinary event.  There was a time when a complete stranger, who became near and dear to me, came to my home to bathe me.

12. There are angels among us.  Strangers have been most helpful, ecspecially when I'm not too shy to ask.

13. A sense of humor is critical to existence and recovery.  Lightheartedness is far better than giving in to depression.

14. An attitude of gratitude prevades my life now.  I am thankful for small things: a sturdy handrail, less stiffness after a movie, using public restrooms by myself.  Small improvements are big to me.  Life is wonderful when viewed with intense gratitude.

15. I have learned that others can live without my help for a time.  The world did not stop revolving when I was absent for a while.

16. What really matters is on the inside of a person, not the costume of a body they wear.  My attitude, personality, spiritual nature, sense of self and purpose in life never can be taken away from me.

17. Recovery comes like waves to the seashore.  Sometimes there's an undertow and somtimes it's quiet, serene, and peaceful.

18. Slowing down has allowed me to smell the roses.  Small steps are big.  Sometimes just getting out the back door is a big event.

19. Others suffer illnesses and hardships graver than mine.  I was chosen for this, and this was chosen for me, so I could learn the lessons I needed in my lifetime.

20. "If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh why, can't I?  Well I can and I will no matter what. 

--Have a fantastic week,

Jonathan

An optimist is the human personification of spring.  ~Susan J. Bissonette

on on seeing God In the everyday people

Maybe it was the sermon being preached this morning. I don't really know what it was that got me thinking about god in everyday people . My morning had begun rather negatively. I found myself sitting in church Sulking over how lonely I was feeling in the crowd. I could hear the voices of people speaking all around me. But what I did not hear was a voice of one person speaking to me.It  doesn't  really matter who does it but someone speaking to me can  break through the loneliness I feel daily. When gradually the voice that was God in me began to speak. As I listened to The voice of God in me, the voice that brings reason to my craziness . I Began to feel  like God was urging me to take a look back at the past couple of days. So that I could recognize  all the times that He, God and had been there in the faces of other people.Yes, I know I get grumpy because of my disabilities but what an opportunity my Disabilities  are for God to show up  in my life. For example One of the  students  In  the counseling program that I am in took me to lunch the other day. Unknowingly we chose a restaurant with stairs. As I took a deep breath and and began to summon up my courage to climb the steps. I heard the voice of a young man Asking me,  "do you need help?"As I turned towards the voice I saw a God in the form of a 20 year old college student who was offering to assist me up the steps. You might Wonder What  Is so  unusual about that ? But quite frankly  it is  seldom that I find people offering to assist me. People  are Usually Surprised by  me. They don't know what to do around me and the brokenness they see. because they don't know what to do they do nothing. Now this might be out of their respect or this might be out of their confusion who knows. But that day God showed himself and the kindness of a college student a complete stranger . At times I see God in the people at my church. I might be offered a hand or a seat. But what I Also need  is for someone to connect With  me. Make eye contact speak with me.My  body doesn't work well , since the stroke. But my mind is still there and more importantly my feelings my humanness is  still there. As I look back I can see that god has showed himself to me in the form of many people. I see god in a woman and her husband who take me every week to the art store or so I can go and paint(yes  even though I can't see much I still try to paint) God has shown himself to me as the arm of a woman is a stranger to me who offered to help me at church. God has shown himself to me in the many people who have helped to me with transportation to and from where I needed to go. God has shown himself to me and in the love and the care that my husband gives me each day.  Most importantly of all god has shown himself in that voice that tells me don't give up.  As I am recovering and getting stronger each day God shows himself in the people who show me their kindness and their compassion and mercy. As I write this I am reminded of the scripture where Moses(or some one) is up on the mountaintop and and he is looking for god. First he encounters a storm with the thunder and then a strong wind but he does not encountered god. Until he hears a small voice that whispers to him. We too encounter god and in those whispers of life. I hope as you or your loved ones who are recovering from brain injury find god whispering to them in people in their  every day life.where have you encountered God in the whispers of life?

Just enough

Why do we always want more? God shows Us  clearly that he will provide and That  excess will become waste. God gives us an example in the bible In genesis We find  the Israelites Lost  in the desert. God says to them," I will provide you with manna in the morning. Take what you need for the day and leave the rest." The Jews do not do that and they gather more than they need. All the manna that is in excess quickly rots. The reason why I have been thinking about having just enough is because I have realized that although I cannot see 100%, I have just enough vision to get by with.Having limited vision has forced me to depend more on my other senses. I have learned To make better use Of my hearing. I have learned to listen with more intention to what people say.  I thank god fo that gift. Again I think about how god knows what I need. Since I am in training to become a pastoral counselor. it is critical that I learn to listen well. And god has given me this gift of listening. Would I say That I am glad That I've lost a large Part of my vision. No of course not. But will I say god has taught me how to make good from what has been given me. Yes, I will say that. It is the same thing. With the way I use my leg and I left arm. Would I like them to work better? Sure I would but I know that they work well enough. I can move around my house. I can prepare some things for myself, I have learned to adapt to my circumstances. Healing comes as I learn to adapt and I wait to see if the functions of my body return to normal. But for now I can trust in fact that god is with me and somehow I have just enough for my needs.Can we be content with what we have been given? Or must we only struggle to find the excess? It is true I've had a brain injury. The stroke as left my body in a state malfunction. But since I left the hospital every day is a day that I moved closer to healing.

Rising up from the ashes

The stroke occurred   in march Of 2009.It was just a few weeks before Easter But,  Come Easter morning I was still In the rehabilitation wing of the Hospital . My oldest son had come by a few days before to visit Me.  he had brought with him a Big balloon which he tried to My hospital Bed .When I woke up on that  Easter morning I lay in the bed watching the balloon float above me And I heard  these words in my head ."This is the morning of your resurrection "I thought oh great! , God's Trying to make me crazy agin!He knows darn well That this is Not my resurrection that we're Recognizing  this morning . But  I  kept Hearing those words . OK, I thought maybe I was suppose think About these wordsSo I lay there and began to think. .Instead of those words  I thought about My Life and how much I  I had lost in a matter of hours.I could no longer walk, see,  use my left arm or hand. I was questioning my ability to be a wife. It felt like I had 'crashed and burned"  It felt like all my Hopes, Dreams , Accomplishments Everything that I had worked for were in flames and were rapidly turning into a pile of ashes. I felt lost and broken I felt like I was rapidly disappearing. My body slowly Dying and my Will And strength withering. If ever in my life I needed God's Strength it was Now . I needed God To nourish my soul and restore my strength. Suddenly those words sounded to me like God was saying  to me" Get up, You can do it and I will help you. I am here with you, I am rooting for you I will give you strength."  I decided that I would try to listen to god's voice one more time.After all I knew that God was the one who could save me. 

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Setting a goal

 One thing that helped me in my recovery was having a goal. I was still in the hospital. Itwas not even 48 hours after the stroke and I was asking my husband, no telling my husband that I wanted to do two things. the first one  of them was that I wanted to find a therapeutic horseback riding center. The other and more important  thing was that I wanted to make sure that I could pursue my dream of studying to be a psychotherapist.my husband thought that I was crazy .Tom thought that
i needed to go see a therapist! Tom was trying hard to comprehend the situation. He was still trying to figure out if I would be able to go home and care for myself without having the aide of a nurse.
He wondered if I would be able to dress myself, feed myself and be able to be left alone while he was at work. And here I was talking about riding a horse. But I needed to have a goal something to work towards, something to hang onto that would make me feel That my life mattered.The world needed to matter. I needed Something to make me feel like there was going to be more to my life then just lying around doing nothing. I had been a care manager and I had seen many clients who  had strokes. I thought I had been compassionate and caring and I thought I had understood their predicament but I wasn't even close to understanding. The sense of loss that I felt was so overwhelming. I was sure that someone (I) had died only I had forgotten to stop breathing. I needed to have something that would make me feel like I did not die. So much of myself was lost from the stroke. I needed to hang on to at least one little piece of who I was. It was my love of horses and my determination to get my doctorate that kept me going in those first days. So I held onto my dreams Like my life depended them. I had other dreams but I did not dare voice them. I still wasn't ready to hope. You see I was still wrestling With god over that abundant life conversation. As I look back I know that I was testing God. If he was going to promise me an abundant life I I wanted him to provide me with that kind of abundance that I Wanted and I was not ready to trust him to come through with this.

Every day things matter.

Recently a friend said to me Susan, " I get the feeling that you must have to approach everything in your life like you are doing it for the first time." How true that statement is! Everything is very different now.I must function differently.I have had to learn how to do things Without the use of my left hand.Daily tasks such as as  the way I approach brushing my teeth are turned into a challenge that needs to be mastered.
     It has been just short of two years since I suffered a massive stroke in the right side of my brain. Some how I survived the stroke but it  left the left  side of my body  paralyzed. the stroke also took away a large portion of my vision, Since the stroke I no longer have any Peripheral  vision to my left. .After almost two years in recovery I am  just now beginning to Rediscover  and to understand that there is a world that exists left of my center. For a long  time after the stroke anything that was out of my sight was out of my mind Or out of my awareness. Nothing existed to my left.  No doors or walls existed on my left. No tables or chairs no pillars or poles. Nothing. It was only after I bumped into countless walls , tables, people and doors that I began to get it.
     The trauma to my brain left me unable to walk, or use my left arm. I couldn't see , I couldn't think. for the first few months all that I felt I could do was sleep and cry.Because my left side was totally affected everything in my life became much has become harder. The simple things that I took for granted have become My daily challenges. In the beginning even the eating was a challenge, for example because I could not see the left side of the Plate I could not always find my food!The left side of my plate remained untouched. While I was in the hospital I often wondered if the kitchen staff was  trying to hide all of the good tasting food from me, by putting it on the left side of the tray.  During my time in the hospital and in rehabilitation I lost over 40 pounds. Not because I was on a diet but because it was too difficult to eat! The dining staff would bring my tray to my room and leave it for me. I was left asking myself the question, how do I eat with one hand? I learned how to open a packet of Splenda using my teeth. I would hold the packet with my teeth as I tore it open with my one good hand It was then that I learned, that it's not good to inhale with a opened Splenda packet in your teeth I could open my cereal box with one hand. But the milk carton was more than I could cope with using only one hand. So cereal without milk became what I've lived on. It was too hard to think about doing anything else.
    Gradually I began to give up, depression Was setting in. My future looked very bleak. I felt like I was on the edge of a deep pit. I could feel myself beginning to slide into the darkness. I was afraid that I didn't have the strength to hold on.I felt totally helpless and totally hopeless.
      It was about that time that I began to hear these words in my head! ," I have come so that you may have life in abundance." The thought of having an abundant life seemed impossible to me at that time. and.I looked up at the ceiling in my hospital room and screamed," God are you crazy! Then I wept.                  God had many surprises in store for me.  But first God knew that I needed to grieve.So with God at my side I  began my journey, on which I would learn to grieve my many losses,leave my past and, discover a future.