Jealousy and envy

I know it has been a long time since my last post. I have had neither the time nor the mental energy to write one. But as I was reading an email from a pastor That  I know I could feel jealousy and envy bubbling up inside me. You see I realized this morning,What it isAbout to me That is Different.   inside my head there is Part of me  different From what it was before I had the stroke.  I find I Experience  my brain as it functions today but, I also have my memories of my brain and how it used to function Before the stroke . Some days it's hard to accept what is, and let go of what what was . And then there is my heart that feels envy And  painful jealousy when I see or hear of others doing the things that I had at one time planned to do. For example A woman who I once knew is now preaching on a regular basis at area churches. There was a day and when I planned to preach to others on Sunday mornings and my jealous heart rages with anger when I hear of my friend preaching as I sit wondering if I'll ever be able to preach successfully again. You see inside my head are memories of how to preach but also is the reality of where I am now. Do I take the chance do I risk writing a sermon and preaching? Or,Will I  act like a turtle and stick my neck out in in order to move forward? Or do I just let the anger, the jealousy and the envy that I feel burnaway my heart? It seems to me either way is a risk But yet that's what life is all about taking risks from time to time . so today I will gather up my strength, my courage and I will begin to write. I will  start out small possibly just preaching to a local nursing home or small group and as I learn and grow and teach my new brain how to do the things I want to do, life will improve. I won't let envy and jealousy burn in my heart Destroying my new life. When I had my stroke God spoke to me in a verse. The verse came from the book of john chapter 10 verse 10 I paraphrase here,
Jesus said I have come so that you may have life and life in abundance. Jesus is offering us/me a choice. Do I/we just give up or do I/we seek out the abundant life that we are promised? We must all make a choice for me it is which side of my brain will I used today the jealous envious side that remembers how life was or the learning healing part of my brain that chooses to seek out my promised abundant life.