Face masks and angels

I was at the podiatrist's office, and like everyone else, I was wearing a facemask. Nothing felt normal. It was depressing to see so many people in masks today.   The ride to the doctor's office seemed unreal. Yes, there were cars on the road, but parking lots that should have been full of vehicles were empty. I was struggling to understand the reality of the world today. Nothing seemed right.

Monday will be my sixty-seventh birthday. It was on my birthday seventeen years ago that I received a phone call from my brother who told me my mother was on a ventilator.  Since then, I always struggle with feelings of sadness on my birthday. I guess that is because my birthday is a yearly reminder of my mother's death. Unfortunately, she had chosen me to be her child that could say for her, "turn off the machines."

As I said, turn them off, that the room filled with stillness. With those words, I had fulfilled the promise made to my mother. 

Now seventeen years later, I still vividly remember that morning in the hospital room filled with machines that should not have been there.

I try to think about my fifth birthday when my mother hired a man with a pure white pony to give my friends and I pony rides on a sweltering summer day in August. I try to remember the other children and their mothers at my party. I wish I could remember the sound of the laughter or the taste of the sweet birthday cake.  Instead, on my birthday, I remember my voice as I told the doctors to turn off the machines that had to breathe for my mother.

I am sad today because people are wearing face masks to visit the foot doctor. There has been looting and rioting in the streets of Chicago, a city that I visited several times years ago on church trips.  Those trips to Chicago were filled with good friends and happy times. Now those memories are soiled by the current destruction in that city. Black lives matter, Your life matters, my mother's life mattered all lives matter.  There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus. (Galatians 3:28) 

The world feels out of order and it feels like it is spinning so rapidly that I can't hold on tight enough. I feel like I am losing my place in this world. 

As I am writing this, I look out my window into the darkness, and I see my angel that glows in the dark.  My husband has placed it on the deck railing where it can be seen because he knows that on a night like tonight, I need to be reminded that there is something good in the world. Just as the angels came to tell the shepherds that Jesus was born. My little glow in the dark rechargeable sun charged angel reminds me that I have a savior who knows me and  He will heal my broken heart.